28 June 2005

Results of My DNA Test

Following the publishing of information that Prince Harry (of England, or Scotland somewhere) had blood drawn to prove he was the lad of Dad Charles, I am obligated to report (before anyone in MSM gets wind) that I too have had a DNA test.

Results are confirmed. I am the son of Kuu, the War God.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm also related to Melody Hopalulu of Waianae, Crystal Tagoshima of Kapahulu, and Jim Nabors of Kahala.

The Other President's Speech and How It Relates to My 2008 Re-election

John Forbes Kerry, JFK, reporting to TikiPundit for duty. I am here to analyze the President's speech today in North Carolina, in which he talked about "Thank you very much." That simple summing sentence was the sum and substance of his speech, as I saw it. He meant, of course, "thanks a lot for ignoring the will of the people and installing me as your unelected leader."

My friends and colleagues from the Far Left know who is really in charge here. I'm in charge here.

And I order all soldiers and sailors, airmen and Marines, to follow my charge. Follow me: to Cambodia this Christmas, for a Vietnam Veteran's reunion and celebration. There's lots going on.

--Helicopters will bring in Playboy Playmates
--Someone will try to kill Kurtz
--I'll "lead" a platoon to a hut burning (using cellophane "flames" we tape to a "cellophane" hut)
--Al Gore will speak about propogating left-wing Vietnam fantasies via his "Internet"
--I will talk to my troops currently suffering in Vietnam
--At 2100 (that's 4 pm to civilians), we'll ceremoniously toss our medals across the "wire" to the "Gooks"
--We'll finish with a singalong in which my lovely, vivacious and utterly private, non-campaigning, whatsername semi-wife will participate. We'll sing "American Pie," "Karballah Not Glue," "Go Your Own Way," and the like with our friends and subordinates

Come one, come all. See you "back in 'Nambodia."

Oh. I almost forgot. I'll announce my orders that I be re-elected in 2008 at this august event (even though it doesn't occur in August).

19 June 2005

Wasn't That Special?

The minons have checked in. I'm here on my Powerbook at Hono airport, addressing you through the Mystic known as Wi-Fi.

Let the minions rest from your barbed emails. They tarry in the taro fields for one week.

Let the no-shows beware. Rosie, Ellen, Ray, Carlson, Carson, Kofi, Jacques, Dianne, Barbara, Turban, Catherine, Robert, Al, Maureen, and you simpering Cloakroom Cowards. And you, 9th Circuit. The war canoes are launched to pick you up. You will all slave in the taro fields and fish-ponds to serve the necessary ends of humankind -- at my behest.

Once again, see you in a week. Or a week plus one day. Or two days. Hawaii time ain't for nothing, cuz.

Euro Pundit, Reporting

Gott im Himmel, what a weekend. If it wasn't for TikiPundit waving a shark-tooth knife over me in bed, I'd be sound asleep right now. The summit was a total failure, just like my attempt to get Mettwurst served for dinner. Can't I do anything right?

Well, rest assured, gentle readers. I will be here at least until my non-reelection, to talk to you about Europe. And also, feel free to ask me anything, such as "What will happen to the Euro?" and "What will happen to Whitey?" as Old Europe crumbles before your American eyes.

I will do my best to answer everything, although time is limited since I got a six-week vacation on the Ostsee to take in between campaigning for my political life.

Not So Fast, Policy Wonk

Strawman here to dissemble and disassemble all your bureaucraftic nonsense. This heart is flammable as well as inflammable and I'll put the Common Touch on your cold methods! Power to the PETA! Power to the Stem Cells! Power to stopping any argument I can!

Facts, Policy, & Public Processes, Reporting

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am here at Tikipundit to represent to the public all policies, laws and processes by which the American government works. This includes the whatnots and wheretofores through which our foreign policy is generated and recreated across political generations.
My three decades of ladder-climbing inside the Beltway allow me to weigh in with final decisions on such important topics of the day as the Global War on Terrorism, Social Security, medical insurance, stem cell research, and the Washington Nationals.
Sincerely yours,
Policy Wonk

E! On the Web

Hi all, remember me?

I know you missed me, but I've been working with my tax accountants and so on to make sure that I don't really become the blue-collar hero you think I am.

I'm so disgusting these days that I can barely stand to blog under my own name. So, I asked TikiPundit's graphic artists to use this old photo of me, which makes me look a lot more acceptable to chicks and such. So, if any h0T cHiCkZ out there wanna hook up, please email me at TikiPundit.

I'll cover entertainment and whatnot for TikiPundit, starting with my expose on Kaballah, which is currently being taught in American and Canadian schools. It's mandatory here, people, and the world needs to know it. And isn't it interesting how Kaballah rhymes with Ramallah and Hezbollah? It almost rhymes with Ocala and I'm doing a film on that right now. More on that to come... but right now I have to go make a film on Blogallah, my new idol.

Bringing in the Muck

George Galloway here. I cover international affairs and how to get reelected by relocating to even more crazy precincts than you used to call home.

You may remember me from my stirring remarks in front of your Congress. I put one on them -- when I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I had crossed fingers on my other hand. Stupid b*****ds.

Rely on me as your Independent Guardian. I shall Telegraph the news of the Times to you, and you may be certain that my air, style and wit will match the highest standard of the Daily Sport or the BBC.

In other words, you simpering American dunces, I shall comment on the UK.

A Word About My Smile

Nance here. You know, I have tried and tried and cried to be a successful representative. And it shows. You can see how I represent my people, who are all lefties in the Bay Area and Marin (and no one else). You can tell by my power dress -- aren't the subdued buttons intimidating? You can tell by my choker -- it looks so Beltway but you'll never see me clutching pearls. I wear earrings but they say "VEGAN" in Swahili on them. And although it looks like I had major work done on my drooping Gesicht, in order to boost my allotted time on the Hill (like Lenin around Red Square), I'm actually an intelligent, vivacious go-getter who is working to better America. So please support me here on TikiPundit, so I don't get chopped up and ceremonially eaten. I haven't been told what subjects to address, so I'll play it by ear -- just as I've played my political career by ear haw haw, by mimicking the cries of the most deranged street filth in The City, my home and one of the best darn places on the planet to live, if you're crazy, homeless and stupid. In fact, I ask TikiPundit to call on me for all the "Crazy California" stories.

Dr Evil's Other Brother, Reporting

Who says I'm lonely?

Got me major hootch, major boo-tay, rare culinary delicacies from Japan, fake Dunhills, and for all you know six or eight nuclear bombs.

That's nuclear, not noo-kyoo-ler, bombs.

Yeah, the big ones.

I'm Teh L33t.

No, I'm not lonely. My people, OTOH, are pretty much hurting.

I'm the hi-tech reporter to TikiPundit. Because, I'm the only pundit here who can summon Major Do0dZ to talk about science and Linux and P2P sharing of Nuke Intelligence. Plus, I dig a mean tunnel. You should check out what I did all over the DMZ. Talk about an Ant Farm!

Peace out. I got some six-poontan---- er, Six Party Talks to think about.

The "Arab Street," Reporting as Ordered

P.S. We don't really exist, you know, but in a way we do exist, because at any minute people might run into us and start yelling and shouting. That really only happens after winning big soccer games, but at this point in time, we're not prominent enough to change the minds of mainstream journalists.

So, I hope you won't be offended if the Arab Street is nothing more than the Sports Reporter for TikiPundit.

This may not matter now, but next year, with the World Cup being held, wow! Brother, things will hot up around here boy lemme tell ya.

Noble Savage, Arriving


I'm singing "Unchained Melody," 'cause I'm unchained from all these Democrat namby-pamby boys and girls who just want to "get along" and go "across the aisle" for "bipartisan" productivity. And I'm "unchained" from sanity.


Just wanted to introduce myself to you and say that I will raise more money online for TikiPundit than I did for my presidential campaign! Move On can just 'move on' cause Howie's in the Polynesian Hut, baby! I gotta say that so I don't get my throat slit tonight by one of TikiPundit's Warriors. This Kapu and Mana business is a bitch, I'm telling you.

I'm gonna be writing about Evil Republicans and medical business. 'Cause I'm a doctor. Or so it says on my resume.


Well, it's off to my mandatory 14-hour shift in the taro field. I'll log in again soon.

TikiPundit Senior Pundit, Arriving

The President of the United States, reporting for duty. I am delighted to be here and will offer the sobering insights of one of New England's most enlightened, educated, sophisticated, and sophomoric senior senators to the esteemed audience here assembled. But don't worry, I'm gonna lay off the French language. That, and a cup of coffee, got me like 25 votes in the last election. And ten of them were French tourists my boyz illegally registered in Ohio. Yeah, indeed. Which French are dumb enough to visit Ohio? It's so flyover. No wonder the Referendum went over like Hitler dancing the Lindy Hop at the Eiffel Tower.

You haven't heard much from me and Michael Moore since the election, but fear not, America. Your ears will soon bleed with our nasal discourse. Now, before I go report in person and salute TikiPundit (with whom I served in Cambodia on duty), I just want to take a moment of your time and tell you to keep hope alive, that all is not lost, that it takes a village, and that that awful man Hillary Clinton will never, ever be my running-mate. Not even if the election were for the Port-a-Potty manager at Pots-R-Us, Incorporated, of New Bedford.

New Bedford "doesn't wanna know from Hillary," as they say in New York.

I'm gonna comment on everything in this blog, just like I do in my political life. But don't expect results, just like in my political life. I'm your ear-salve. And I'm reporting for duty.

TikiPundit Arrives

I have arrived ashore in the land of flesh and skin, in the moments of creation and lava, of destruction and earthquake. I have moved many miles by starlight across the waves. Time has passed in a circular fashion as I moved. I am returned, utilizing "technology" to bring my followers my message. I have recruited from the best minds of the current political scene, and bent them to my willful way -- the way of Tiki.

I have arrived.

But now I must travel to Molokai and Kona, to Hilo and Kilauea, for remembrances and ceremonies, for picture-taking and eating. I must go for one week to the Gathering Place and the Sacred Fish-Ponds, for Daily Ablutions and Corner Posts, & Gawkers and ChronWatching, & CrimProfs and Instapunks. There is geopolitical surveying to be done, and I will fit my Recruits to work in the gaps of these Noble Chronicles, like a dry-stone wall is built according to my demands and principles. Kapu & Protocol will be met in this way, and these islands will prosper and sleep safe.

Until one week, then.