31 July 2005

German Technology: Comes Through Again

My fellow Europhiles, my fellow NY Times opinion writers...

Good news!

Germany has come through again. Now you don't need booze to get liquored up!

Crazy Water Time Hawaii

Was hanging out at Cranky Neocon talking story about Santa Cruz 'stead of taking care business back home.

Big problem over Molokai. Gas run out. People go crazy. Run around, wave hands, look for car keys, watch "Day After" movie. Watch "Lord of the Flies" movie. Much worry Molokai.

Next, big problem Kauai. Trash dumping. Man oh man. Why so much trash?

Sumo guy Akebono knocked out first round big K-1 fight Honolulu. Badass Korean did him in. Akebono lost weight since sumo days. Punch like kid now. 470 pounds of kid. All six foot eight kid. TikiPundit still wouldn't call him out. Gotta be a big Korean knock out Akebono. Last ting TikiPundit knock out is dumb blog post.

Now to water problems. Guy goes night spear-fishing Hawaii. Fish come, gut man sternum to navel like man was fish in deli Safeway Beretania store. Bad-ass fish 'round here. Watch out. Water alive. Fish angry right now. Water boiling around islands right now. TikiPundit running to stone platform right now, gotta try fix everything. Pray, make sacrifice. Watch "Day After" movie, get scared, drive to gas station Waikiki.

Couple people drowned too. One tourist at Pounders, and one guy at Pololu Beach on Big Island. This stuff not funny. Waters here are serious. They are alive. Don't be messing around in the water. Everybody know, "Don't turn your back on the surf?" What that mean to you? Mean, "Don't turn your back on the surf, face shore, goof around for camera." Few months ago, tourist in clothes think Sandy Beach look good for late-night weekend swim. He died in clothes. Buried in clothes. You come over, gotta get map and get rid of clothes. Gotta ask around, where swim. People tell you. People friendly. People don't wanna stop beach barbecue, go get you out of waddah. Ruin ambience of picnic. No more good time beach picnic. Everybody go home, watch "Day After" movie. Everybody hungry. TikiPundit get calls fo mo help. TikiPundit outta gas because everyone panic. TikiPundit stuck Waikiki. No help people. Make TikiPundit angry. TikiPundit make beaches kapu. Tourist dollahs dry up. But no one drown anymore.

Most places here, you don't wanna swim. Waikiki, it's OK most times. Water calm, lotta shallow, buncha breakwaters, lifeguards everywhere. Summertime, lots of places are OK certain times of day all over. Don't drink booze, go swimming. You end up sacrifice to gods and fish food. Just maybe you feel good, last thought. Drunk and drowning.

Kids going crazy here too. New kine Pac Rim Wild Bunch. Don't need license ride moped. Don't need helmet. Don't need shoes. Take surfboard one hand, handlebar uddah hand, go beach. Now go beach ninety mile hour. Break speed rules. Break neck.

Finally, Senator Daniel Inouye sane 90 percent time. TikiPundit show you 10 percent time here.

30 July 2005

North Korean Bake Sale

Finally, some good news from my country! Thank you, Broken Newz, for uncovering the truth behind Karl Rove's lies about our freedom-loving North Korea.

Jane Fonda and The National Dependence on Oil

Hello, real American people. My fellow citizens, I'm John Forbes Kerry, the President of the United Snakes of America. States! States of America. And I call on you to support my friend Jane Fonda as she begins her sure-fire hit Freedom Tour. This Million Mile Drive to Freeedom (no matter what it's called) that Janoi Hane is undertaking will help us reclaim the White House that Democrats America lost in 2004. And besides that, my fellow Americans, any woman that into vegetable oil is ALL RIGHT BY ME! Can I get a YEEEEEAH, Howard?


All right, Howieeeee! YEAH.

Now, Jane, as you know, recently starred in the blockbuster movie, "Monster-in-Law," which Hollywood itself called the greatest single portrayal of a woman by a women in the great history of greatness (except for that Mork & Mindy guy). And Karl Rove lied again when he claimed the movie went straight to DVD.

These days Jane is not content with blockbuster movies and publicity tours disguised as political stands. She's not just studying books on North Vietnamese anti-aircraft artillery either. Jane is also Fonda writing books about it. Ack-ack we called it back in Cambodia. Jane's new book, "My Life So Far," (contrary to what Rove says, Jane will not be conducting her tour in conjunction with book-signings) contains chapters on how to clean the gun mounts, how to camouflage, and what the lead differences are between those oh-so-fast US fighter jets and those slow, ponderous, devastating bombers. The book is sure to be remaindered a hit with any communist sympathizer or African dictator. However, I'm not too thrilled that there is no mention of her bitch-slappng American POWs by turning into their captors a note one of them passed to her. But then again, this is not a Navy Manual like I studied each Christmas in Cambodia. This is a private book by a private citizen exercising her righ to privacy.

Now, as you know, driving a million miles can really put a dent in your derriere. Let's all get together and buy Jane a traveling donut pillow. Her aged, bony behind will suffer if we don't PULL TOGETHER as Americans -- just like we pulled together to support American POWs in Vietnam -- and let Jane know how we feel her -- about her. ABOUT her.

And, hey, that vegetable oil doesn't come cheap. I think it's converted from dirty diesel into clean-burning, natural, oil, the kind President Bush won't let us have. Can you imagine what a great day for America it would be, if we said no to war and yes to vegetable oil? (SFW) How'd you like to see that dish hooked up with these Berkeley protesters, enjoying the great American pastime of wrestling for peace? Howie?


29 July 2005

I'm About to Go Mental

This is highly offensive. Everyone knows that the California State Legislature is the envy of the other 49. The lesser 49. Don't even tell me about the kooks in Puerto Rico, Guam and American Samoa, either. Shoddy journalism at its very Karl Rove-inspired best.

The Haole's Evil Drinks

We have our pleasures in Hawaii. They are natural in nature. They are perfect in performance. They are not artificial stimulants. I report to you on the haole and his poisoned water. This information comes from an Air Force site, from a secret organization within, with whom your happy local Tiki had a happy 22 year relationship. Check this sh** out, bra:

--"How about vodka and milk of magnesia? A Phillip's screwdriver."

--"The first several times you drink moonshine, it should be done on the buddy system.   You have your buddy hold a gun on you to force you to chug a shot, then you hold the gun on your buddy while he chugs one.   After going back and forth two or three times, you forget about the taste and begin wondering why your lips are numb. Some people are quick learners and will hold the gun on themselves for subsequent sessions."

--"Any of you [location confidential] survivors remember a drink we called a "Dramboozer"? ... It wasn't really a bad drink, but it was totally lethal.   It was a shot of Drambuie - shot glass and all - dropped upright into a large, frosty mug of cold beer (your choice)... "
--"Ouzo mixed with Tang."
--"Vodka and iced tea."
--"Gin and tang."

--"... a couple of thermoses of liquid nitrogen mixed with a couple of gallons of Everclear.   After the nitrogen boiled away and the 'slush' was scooped out, the resulting two or three quarts was mixed with grape juice."

--"Some green tea, some Old Crow, some saki, some absinthe, some 151 rum. Mix all in a big container."

--"Equal parts vodka and Nyquil. Best mixed in a blender because the Nyquil is so thick."

--"Vodka and grape soda."

--"Scotch and Drambuie, equally mixed."

--"Mojo: one metal 33-gallon trash can.   5 bottles of scotch, 5 bottles of Canadian, 5 bottles of vodka, 5 bottles of run, a lot of ice, and fill to the brim with Hawaiian Punch."  

--"Absinthe.   Real absinthe, not the stuff legal to sell in the US that you see advertised online."

26 July 2005

Who's Working for Whom?

I can hear the rumblings in the taro fields. I am aware of your angst, and your thoughts of assumption while your Big Man is away.

But this Celestial Kahuna is not away, in the sense that you think. You who tarry in taro fields, who find fish and who produce poke, you are more under my care than ever. I am working on your behalf and though you see me not, you remain in my thoughts. See me at Cranky Neocon and be awed.

Now, as for Dean and Sullivan, be afraid. Be very afraid. I know that you tried to eat in the Women's Eating House, and that you defaced heiau sites on Molokai with Budweiser bottles, and that you failed to sight fish in the late afternoon sun at the fish ponds. You will pay for your transgressions with extra posts -- soon. When you see my sail on the horizon, back from lands east of which you know nothing, tremble. For TikiPundit is returning to the Gathering Place. Run now, if your legs can carry you, to the nearest Place of Refuge, lest my wrath be released on you and you be forced to shriek lies about Republicans and Army abuse again and again. Sacrificial altars await you.

23 July 2005

California, In the Outhouse Again

Could somebody tell me, like, what's so wrong with letting our hard-working California peace officers just do their jobs and not get hassled by The Man?

I'm, like, so pissed about this. How did this leak out? FoxNews should have, like, flushed this story in the editing room.

P.S. That John Roberts is like, so HAWT! OMG, he's, like, so cool in person and so so HAWT.

A Matter of Record Regarding Me

My fellow Americans,
Redstate.org is doing you a disservice. In my statement regarding Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, I did not say, as Redstate alleges, "We cannot do our duty if either Judge Roberts or the Bush administration hides elements of his professional record.

I said, "We cannot do our duty if either Judge Roberts or the Bush administration hides elements of his professional record." Whilst the difference may appear slight to some, the importance of nominating the proper persons to my nation's Highest Court cannot be underestimated.

Please do not tarry with mealy-mouthed minions and various chest-beaters. Follow the right path, for now, and for the future. That path may be found through me, in me and around me.

Finally, my fellow citizens, I continue to stand on my record.

UPDATE: The Howling Haoles are ganging up. This weekend I shall sail with family and friends, to take comfort in their companionship and escape, if only for a time, the enormous pressures of my Office.

19 July 2005

White House Press Corps: What Does THAT Mean??

Hi all, remember me? I starred in such films as 'Columbine,' 'Fahrenheit 9/11' and 'Michael Moore Hates America.'

I've come out of my post-election, drug- and fried chicken-addled seclusion to talk to you about that weird phrase, "White House Press Corps."


Now just what does that mean? I was going to take my camera around and make a movie about it, but this darn libel trial tied me up, and not in a way I like.

Now that I'm such a maaaaaajor winner over that corny Nichols guy, my first thought about WHPC was to break down the phrase and follow each part with a camera team and a mobile KFC Express. That was easy. But editing and producing and distributing a film plus flying to Cannes again was, like, so hard work, so I just put on my baseball cap (Capus Blucolorus! -- heh, are you all reading the new Harry Potter like I am?? I like how Potter can cast spells on the unwitting almost as good as me) and sat down with a few Minutemen buddies and worked it out on paper.

First I thought about the word "White." Notice how it's capitalized? Why is "White" more prominent than "white"? I visited a paint factory, a Lutheran church in Minnesota, and a union electrician named Ted White in San Francisco. There is definitely a link to all three. And it's the color white! Think about it, people!

And House. Everyone's got one, so that's obvious. It's a place where you eat and do other stuff, like eat. It's that place where the government can come in anytime they want and take any of your stuff. But over in England, they have different kinds of "Houses." Sometimes they're big estates. Sometimes they're university buildings. I'm not sure when a building becomes a "House" over there but I'll keep on it until I can tell you. Honestly, this was the part of my filming that gave me intestinal film-maker's block.

Then there's "Press." That could mean a lot of things. So in my journey, I filmed a printing press, an olive press, and a basketball press. There's definitely a link there, a thread that clearly takes you to the next word, the most ominous word.

I mean, of course, Corps. Sounds like "core," but you automatically thread to "corpse" because that's how it -- and this is important -- that's how it looks like it should sound. But then, right away you thread to 'Corps' -- meaning Marine Corps. These are the protectors of the military-industrial state complex. The real tough ones. You've probably never seen one, because they come from places we dont understand, like cities and farms, universities and -- ecch! -- high-school sports teams.

So I was really freaking out by now at all the Obvious Truths I had uncovered. The Minutemen were firing rifles and ululating all over Manhattan (which I filmed).

I put it all together on paper. First I connected White and House, which gave me the national park system where we put our bears and Native Americans and Presidents. I mapped 'White House' out to Pennsylvania Avenue. Then I came to a surprising conclusion.

Did you get it yet, faithful readers?

!!! The President is using the military to kill journalists and store their corpses in top-secret bunkers beneath the White House!!!!!

OMG!!!! It's like 'Soylet Green' without the menu, people! 'Cause the People are still hungry! OMG! It's like 'Planet of the Apes' without the apes! It's like 'The Eiger Sanction,' but on a prairie! It's like Michael Moore without a clue!

(Whew. Deep breath, Mike. Deep breath. Inhaler. OK. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Head between knees. Feet elevated. Stop thinking that! Psychiatrist's phone number in pants pocket--check. Chicken wing in coat pocket--check. Manhattan house key in shoe--check. OK, all better now.)

People, we have GOT to elect a Democrat in 2008, for our own future and the future of the [sic] children.

17 July 2005

The Akaka Bill and the State of My Exchequer

Boy, you go away tree day guestblog and next ting you know, dah people are rising up to get their own government. I really gotta do bettah job keep eye on workers.

This Senator Akaka guy is pretty low-key. But that Senator Inouye, lemme tell you, he's got mana up on Capitol Hill. Both of these guys support the "Akaka Bill" (S. 147). So does Governor Lingle, the state's Nation's token Republican. Now, over at the White House, the Bush administration is supporting it by not opposing it. You know what I mean. Like when you see a fight in a bar, you "support" it by not walking over pull two guys apart, but instead wait for the cops. And don't forget, Lingle is eyed by the GOP for bigga ting. She's gotta cooperate right now.

The cops are coming on this Bill too. Some people are talking about how it violates the Constitution. Some people are talking about why can't Native Hawaiians build casinos (they don't call Las Vegas the 9th Hawaiian Island for nothing, cuz. It's the Numbah One tourist destination for us). Some people wanna know why Hawaiians wouldn't roll into the whole Native American thing, with all that tribal police and new construction and a loco moco subsidy for every household. Some people don't like the fact that the bill specifically does not settle any Hawaiian claims against the US, so they could come up again and again until the Treasury is as drained, just like Waikiki was a festering, disease-ridden swamp before Whitey showed up, drained up, and built up. Some people are wondering how much land gonna be given up to Hawaiians, and more importantly, where that land is. Is it a mountaintop on Kauai? Is it prime office space downtown Hono? Mostly, is it the land underneath my $800,000 Third World shack up in Palolo? If it gets played right, land claims could be in some major income-generating areas, like the runway at Honolulu Airport, Hanauma Bay, and of course Kaunakakai. Think of the landing and tourist fees these hotspots generate! Some people wonder how much Jim Crow segregation will come out of this. I mean, beyond the whole Haole Go Home racism of today. Some people are wondering if Hawaiians have to register with Selective Service? Some people are wondering how the Base Realignment and Closing Commmission will look at the future of Hawaii when they compare which Navy shipyard to close this fall. Are they gonna go with that Haole yard in New England, or the Hawaiian Nation Shipyard at Pearl Harbor? What about Joint Visiion 2010 and 2020? That's all about Asia. Will the US have to sign a mutual defense treaty with Hawaii?

But you know what? This Just In: Most people are wondering just how much money will flow, and to where and whom it will go. 'Cause, cuz, it's a lot about money. What do you think this line in the Bill really means? -- "...the United States shall continue to engage in a process of reconciliation and political relations with the Native Hawaiian people." Well, to me it means reconcile my checkbook and relate to my savings account. And my right to self-determination means my right to determine how much cash I get from Uncle Sam (even though he's not really my uncle). Mo bettah pay seven bucks fo' gallon milk with federal matching funds.

If I'm reading right, there are 24,800 Native Hawaiians out there [The Honolulu Pravdatiser thinks it's several hundred thousand]. I remember someone pooh-poohing a few months ago that there are only about 1200 full-blooded Native Hawaiians. But, Spirit of Aloha, I say. A drop of blood is as good as a bucket when cash is concerned, so the uddah bruddahs are more than welcome, all 23,600 of 'em, or even 400,000 of 'em. Plus anyone else we think is Da Kine. Now let me get all my haole buddies down to the Office of Hawaiian Affairs blood bank for a quick transfusion, right before they go over to the Registry Office and put their names in the bank account native registry enrollment book.

I always knew there was something fishy about them people playing the Hawaiian Anthem before the National Anthem anytime they play anthems at all.

And now I know all about the Kamehameha Day Parade. Those guys in the Cadillacs weren't the town prominenti -- they were real estate agents checking out Ala Moana!

Come to think of it, I'm kind of glad I'm working at Cranky Neocon right now. This Bill makes my stone head hurt.

Best Number One Gruel Supporter

Is there anything revisionists won't tackle?? Gruel, a "thin porridge or soup," climbs out of the gutter of social conscience thanks to Mr. Breakfast. In the same article, the Beneficient Mr. B effectively supports the deliberate malnourishment of back-in-the-day orphans because nourishing food was just so darn expensive. He also -- finally! -- bitch-slaps that socially-conscious Charles Dickens hAtEr for, I guess, writing 'Oliver Twist' and making everyone hate gruel.

13 July 2005

TikiPundit's New Gig

I am pleased to announce, from my exalted talking stone here above my taro fields, that I am guestblogging at Cranky Neocon. I look forward to working with another fine blogger, Maximum Leader.

This does not mean that TikiPundit is going away. I have performed ceremonies and visited priests to chant spells on my writers, so that they slack not in my absence. Lest sudden winds and mudslides smite them in their impure state. And forget about "places of refuge." The guards are doubled around them.

Don't you worry, kapu will be rigidly enforced in my absence. Gerhard Schroeder will handle that--he's got the Teutonic makeup for discipline and adherence to rules.

So go on over and check out Cranky Neocon and Naked Villainy. And the rest of you, get back to work.

12 July 2005

Hawaiian Sovereignty

I have appeared today on the talking stone platform to address you.

The issue is Hawaiian sovereignty.

This cuts to the core of my being.

I'm all for sovereign.

I'm all for tourist sovereigns flowing like rivers into my islands.

Michelle Malkin covers this issue here.

Let me tell you something.

Some would remove all vestiges of colonialism -- you know, currency, constitutions, Bills of Rights, penicillin, OC16, the Internet -- you know, all that foul pollution of Western civilization that sullies our Stone Age way of life.

Yes, I said Stone Age. We had no metal working. We had no written language. We had no plows. We had no science. Cuz, we was hurtin' out here.

The only thing we had was Guilty White Liberals romancing the whole Noble Savage thing. I guess their wives liked our cut abs and that whole surfboard thing. Hey, you go wit' wat you know, bruddah.

So do we go all Native American on Hawaii? Why are we doing this? Will the state set aside land? Will I be relocated to a rez? (Lono, please don't make it Molokai! Sheesh, for me McCully is country. I'm Waikiki, brah.)

My people do not know what they ask for. My people are misguided and dumb. Our schools are 47th in the national rankings. If we are independent, they will be, I guess, first in the nation, but on a par with Burma. Sheesh.

I'm gonna give out a job offer. If any Native Hawaiian knows how to run a power plant, email me. Quickly, cause I love that 'My TV' stuff. And I can't get enough of my relatives over deah on OC16.

I tell you this. I will march with my shark-tooth club down to the puka of the first loudmouth Hawaiian waddahboy with a "No Haole" sign in his yard and bash his brains out. And then I'll send the nightmarchers to scare off his "Native Hawaiian" neighbors back to their ancestral homes in Samoa and Fiji. And then I'll summon sharks to the Jumping-Off-Place and have every cotton-pickin' local kine march his slipper-wearing, wife-beater T-shirt wearin', ice-peddling, stolen-car driving, too-lazy-to-get-a-job ass out there into the sea for a good old fashioned Hawaiian shark frenzy.

Don't underestimate my wrath. Or my maritime friends. Now excuse me while I go watch 'Eh, You Da Kine' on TV.

And next time you foreigners fly out to Hawaii on vacation, visit Waianae on Oahu. You'll see the future of this new Native Hawaii. White southern crackers ain't the only rednecks in the USA, cuz.

08 July 2005

Planned Parenthood and MADD: In My Stirrups for 2008


I'm really unhappy with the Catholics on this one. Over at Roman Catholic Blog, they're hammering away at one of this country's finest leaders in the history of this country. YEAAH! I'm talking about Margaret Sanger, the village goddess founder of Planned Parenthood.

Founder Sanger was all kinds of nasty, I'm learning. And I like her style! Reminds me of me in a smock, a doily and a garter belt. She writes,

"I hated the wretchedness and hopelessness of the poor, and never experienced that satisfaction in working among them that so many noble women have found."

Yeow! I'm making cat-clawing motions with my hands just reading that!

And then she goes all brown-shirt eugenicist on us:

"... the most urgent problem today is how to limit and discourage the over-fertility of the mentally and physically defective."

This is where I disagree with Dr Sanger. (She is a Doctor like me, isn't she?) The most urgent problem today is how to limit and discourage the over-fertility of Red States. YEAAH!

Planned Parenthood seeks, per its founder, to eliminate disgusting births among the poor and disaffected, plus snuff out births of handicapped children. The Goebbelian beginnings of Planned Parenthood are the core of today's genetically- and evolutionarily-enlightened Nonprofit.

You know what's really touching about Planned Parenthood's web site? Their blue and pink web design -- which evokes the colors that symbolize boy and girl babies. It's a boy! Blue. It's a girl! Pink. All those young lives, snuffed, of course, because they weren't really lives at all, but instead, tissue and oddly-arranged pre-human cells. Fetuses, Planned Parenthood will tell you, are anthropomorphic in nature, especially when their parents are poor. They only resemble human beings because we who are human naturally see human shapes in all things. But the pre-born are not human at all and I might humbly suggest to Planned Parenthood to choose colors that evoke that fine organization's mission, which is to NOT save lives. Out with blue and pink and in with black, red and white.

Blue and pink, though. I'm loving it. I'm going to use those for the 2008 White House campaign when I go all methotrexate on the American public. And then I'm going to vacuum-aspirate the survivors and dilate, suction and evacuate the rest. If anyone's standing after that, I'm sure they'll vote Democrat because they support these procedures. Bomb this Clinic of the Campaign, extremists!

While I'm on the subject of extremists -- meaning, of course, Roman Catholics ahem -- let me introduce you to the fine, upstanding organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

07 July 2005

My Thoughts on the London Terror Attacks

We have worked without rest to remove the causes of such violence from our world. We argued, as did the security services in this country, that the attacks on Afghanistan and Iraq would increase the threat of terrorist attack in Britain. Tragically Londoners have now paid the price of the government ignoring such warnings.

06 July 2005

A Word About the Olympics from the Site of G8 Summit

Gott in Himmel.

It's my solemn duty to report that Chirac is in the toilet, heaving, right now. He claims it's the Scottish food he just ate up here at the G8, but we just held an Old Europe Sidebar at the bar and decided that his problem has to do with the Olympics going to London in 2012. Or some year. I can't remember, and don't care because by then I'll be a regular "Klaus Kiste" sucking down my by-then homogenized Scheisskeller Bier and have to buy my tickets online in the lottery like everyone else.


But nonetheless, I feel sad for old Jacky.

He just got done saying the only thing the English had contributed to European agriculture was Mad Cow Disease.

And then one of his state-subsidized Air France planes hit a cow landing in Nigeria.

If that's not a Goethian poetic justice, then what is?

Alles verloren, alles.

Vice Admiral James Stockdale (1923-2005)

My fellow Americans,
A great American has gone to his reward. Vice Admiral James Stockdale, whose extraordinary exploits maintaining his integrity and demonstrating unusual valor before his captors as a prisoner of the North Vietnamese government, has
passed away.

These United States, plus Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Puerter Rico, American Samoa, and the Aleutians, will not soon forget, but will long remember, the example of military bearing, character, and fortitude this officer showed.

Which explains why he was unfit for public office.

VADM Stockdale was a failed presidential vice-presidential candidate alongside Ross Perot in 1992. He rhetorically asked the American public, "Who am I? Why am I here?"

Unlike myself, who is an unfailed public officer. Better yet, I am elected. Again and again, I might add. I am at least intelligent enough to know not to ask these types of questions, even rhetorically. Did I ask the questions before that Senate Committee, when I showed up with dirty unkempt hair, a fatigue blouse unblemished by iron or starch, with my ribbon rack tackily tacked to it, atop civvie pants and some way cool Florsheims?

No. Because I have the bearing of the Boston Brahmin. The class of the Congress Club. Basically, I'm in, and Stockdale was a temporary media figure famous for a medal. I believe that with all my heart.

Me, I'm the medal-thrower, the testifying wannabe hippie (did you check out my way cool locks when I testified on the Vietnam War?? OMG I wuz L33T!); I am the thug and slug ex-sailor, the snarky junior officer, the gross exaggerater that VADM Stockdale would have probably throttled on the spot had he had the pleasure of meeting me. But while I was manufacturing tales about my heroism on dark and distant rivers, and Christmases, and cavorting with Vietnam veterans who wanted to plot to overthrow the Constitution, VADM Stockdale was being abused in most heinous ways by his captors. While I was lying before the Congress I would later own about American abuses, VADM Stockdale was suffering real abuses--the kind of which would make a Geneva Convention employee commit seppuku -- that's hara-kiri in English -- in angst and frustration.

I was the medal-thrower. And I enjoyed every Christmas at home after my lonely Cambodian sojourn, in the comfort of friends and family, and colleagues and cliques, safe and secure knowing that VADM Stockdale was taking blows to his body for my benefit and the benefit of those I entertained with my nasal drawl at my well-equipped dinner table. (Ah, the goose we ate those years!)

VADM Stockdale was awarded the MoH -- that's Congressional Medal of Honor to us insiders.

The medal-wearer and the medal-thrower.

And there you have the mark of two men.

VADM Stockdale.

And me.

I thank you and wish you good night.

01 July 2005

A Presidential Decree on the Supreme Court

As America now knows, Supreme Court Justice Sandra "Day" O'Connor is retiring, just as soon as her successor is named and presented before me Congress.

Let us first acknowledge the outstanding work of this remarkable judge. She is hereby acknowledged.

Now, we turn to the fight ahead. I believe that this is the fight I have been waiting for. Sorry about the whole Presidential election thing. Misjudged that. My running mate Al Gore has had his credibility damaged by my misjudgment. And Al, I know you're out there monitoring your Internet behind that beard and bad attitude. Sorry, pal.

As I was swift-boating yachting off New England last weekend, I received the first "intel" on the retirement from SCOTUS. Like you, I took this to be good news. I took this to mean that we'd finally be rid of Clarence "Coke Can" Thomas.

My intel, as we know now in hindisight, was wrong. I immediately threw my blazer overboard in protest because I did not feel I had earned it in, as I now took this day-voyage to be an unlawful and damaging sail. Actually, I threw the blazer of a friend, who asked me to. It was not my blazer. I honor and respect those brave Americans who sacrificed themselves in the blazer industry during the troubled times of the 1960s. They are my fellow soldiers. They are my colleagues and pals, and I spent many a Christmas before winter fires with them, drinking egg-nog and singing carols far away from home.

I'll be taking nominations for SCOTUS at my usual locations: the ski slope (please don't bother me when I'm cursing a Secret Service agent), my favorite windsurfing grounds (please don't bother me when I'm adjusting my Speedo), my best mountain bike trail (please don't photograph me at all), or my yachting routes (if you see a blue blazer in the water, please retrieve it since my staff told me I can't reimburse my friend with public funds).

I hope to hear from you soon.


On the way to work I saw a bird. And a car.

I saw a cat.

I wore a dress to work today.

Boys are icky.