17 July 2005

The Akaka Bill and the State of My Exchequer

Boy, you go away tree day guestblog and next ting you know, dah people are rising up to get their own government. I really gotta do bettah job keep eye on workers.

This Senator Akaka guy is pretty low-key. But that Senator Inouye, lemme tell you, he's got mana up on Capitol Hill. Both of these guys support the "Akaka Bill" (S. 147). So does Governor Lingle, the state's Nation's token Republican. Now, over at the White House, the Bush administration is supporting it by not opposing it. You know what I mean. Like when you see a fight in a bar, you "support" it by not walking over pull two guys apart, but instead wait for the cops. And don't forget, Lingle is eyed by the GOP for bigga ting. She's gotta cooperate right now.

The cops are coming on this Bill too. Some people are talking about how it violates the Constitution. Some people are talking about why can't Native Hawaiians build casinos (they don't call Las Vegas the 9th Hawaiian Island for nothing, cuz. It's the Numbah One tourist destination for us). Some people wanna know why Hawaiians wouldn't roll into the whole Native American thing, with all that tribal police and new construction and a loco moco subsidy for every household. Some people don't like the fact that the bill specifically does not settle any Hawaiian claims against the US, so they could come up again and again until the Treasury is as drained, just like Waikiki was a festering, disease-ridden swamp before Whitey showed up, drained up, and built up. Some people are wondering how much land gonna be given up to Hawaiians, and more importantly, where that land is. Is it a mountaintop on Kauai? Is it prime office space downtown Hono? Mostly, is it the land underneath my $800,000 Third World shack up in Palolo? If it gets played right, land claims could be in some major income-generating areas, like the runway at Honolulu Airport, Hanauma Bay, and of course Kaunakakai. Think of the landing and tourist fees these hotspots generate! Some people wonder how much Jim Crow segregation will come out of this. I mean, beyond the whole Haole Go Home racism of today. Some people are wondering if Hawaiians have to register with Selective Service? Some people are wondering how the Base Realignment and Closing Commmission will look at the future of Hawaii when they compare which Navy shipyard to close this fall. Are they gonna go with that Haole yard in New England, or the Hawaiian Nation Shipyard at Pearl Harbor? What about Joint Visiion 2010 and 2020? That's all about Asia. Will the US have to sign a mutual defense treaty with Hawaii?

But you know what? This Just In: Most people are wondering just how much money will flow, and to where and whom it will go. 'Cause, cuz, it's a lot about money. What do you think this line in the Bill really means? -- "...the United States shall continue to engage in a process of reconciliation and political relations with the Native Hawaiian people." Well, to me it means reconcile my checkbook and relate to my savings account. And my right to self-determination means my right to determine how much cash I get from Uncle Sam (even though he's not really my uncle). Mo bettah pay seven bucks fo' gallon milk with federal matching funds.

If I'm reading right, there are 24,800 Native Hawaiians out there [The Honolulu Pravdatiser thinks it's several hundred thousand]. I remember someone pooh-poohing a few months ago that there are only about 1200 full-blooded Native Hawaiians. But, Spirit of Aloha, I say. A drop of blood is as good as a bucket when cash is concerned, so the uddah bruddahs are more than welcome, all 23,600 of 'em, or even 400,000 of 'em. Plus anyone else we think is Da Kine. Now let me get all my haole buddies down to the Office of Hawaiian Affairs blood bank for a quick transfusion, right before they go over to the Registry Office and put their names in the bank account native registry enrollment book.

I always knew there was something fishy about them people playing the Hawaiian Anthem before the National Anthem anytime they play anthems at all.

And now I know all about the Kamehameha Day Parade. Those guys in the Cadillacs weren't the town prominenti -- they were real estate agents checking out Ala Moana!

Come to think of it, I'm kind of glad I'm working at Cranky Neocon right now. This Bill makes my stone head hurt.


Blogger lee said...

Sen. Jon Kyl of Arizona, who chairs the Senate Republican Policy Committee, wrote a comprehensive analysis addressing his concerns over the creation of a race-based government for Native Hawaiians and the dangerous precedents that this bill would create. The paper is available at http://rpc.senate.gov/_files/Jun2205NatHawSD.pdf.


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