12 July 2005

Hawaiian Sovereignty

I have appeared today on the talking stone platform to address you.

The issue is Hawaiian sovereignty.

This cuts to the core of my being.

I'm all for sovereign.

I'm all for tourist sovereigns flowing like rivers into my islands.

Michelle Malkin covers this issue here.

Let me tell you something.

Some would remove all vestiges of colonialism -- you know, currency, constitutions, Bills of Rights, penicillin, OC16, the Internet -- you know, all that foul pollution of Western civilization that sullies our Stone Age way of life.

Yes, I said Stone Age. We had no metal working. We had no written language. We had no plows. We had no science. Cuz, we was hurtin' out here.

The only thing we had was Guilty White Liberals romancing the whole Noble Savage thing. I guess their wives liked our cut abs and that whole surfboard thing. Hey, you go wit' wat you know, bruddah.

So do we go all Native American on Hawaii? Why are we doing this? Will the state set aside land? Will I be relocated to a rez? (Lono, please don't make it Molokai! Sheesh, for me McCully is country. I'm Waikiki, brah.)

My people do not know what they ask for. My people are misguided and dumb. Our schools are 47th in the national rankings. If we are independent, they will be, I guess, first in the nation, but on a par with Burma. Sheesh.

I'm gonna give out a job offer. If any Native Hawaiian knows how to run a power plant, email me. Quickly, cause I love that 'My TV' stuff. And I can't get enough of my relatives over deah on OC16.

I tell you this. I will march with my shark-tooth club down to the puka of the first loudmouth Hawaiian waddahboy with a "No Haole" sign in his yard and bash his brains out. And then I'll send the nightmarchers to scare off his "Native Hawaiian" neighbors back to their ancestral homes in Samoa and Fiji. And then I'll summon sharks to the Jumping-Off-Place and have every cotton-pickin' local kine march his slipper-wearing, wife-beater T-shirt wearin', ice-peddling, stolen-car driving, too-lazy-to-get-a-job ass out there into the sea for a good old fashioned Hawaiian shark frenzy.

Don't underestimate my wrath. Or my maritime friends. Now excuse me while I go watch 'Eh, You Da Kine' on TV.

And next time you foreigners fly out to Hawaii on vacation, visit Waianae on Oahu. You'll see the future of this new Native Hawaii. White southern crackers ain't the only rednecks in the USA, cuz.


Blogger Kalroy said...

'Uheuhene Tiki!!!



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