30 July 2005

Jane Fonda and The National Dependence on Oil

Hello, real American people. My fellow citizens, I'm John Forbes Kerry, the President of the United Snakes of America. States! States of America. And I call on you to support my friend Jane Fonda as she begins her sure-fire hit Freedom Tour. This Million Mile Drive to Freeedom (no matter what it's called) that Janoi Hane is undertaking will help us reclaim the White House that Democrats America lost in 2004. And besides that, my fellow Americans, any woman that into vegetable oil is ALL RIGHT BY ME! Can I get a YEEEEEAH, Howard?


All right, Howieeeee! YEAH.

Now, Jane, as you know, recently starred in the blockbuster movie, "Monster-in-Law," which Hollywood itself called the greatest single portrayal of a woman by a women in the great history of greatness (except for that Mork & Mindy guy). And Karl Rove lied again when he claimed the movie went straight to DVD.

These days Jane is not content with blockbuster movies and publicity tours disguised as political stands. She's not just studying books on North Vietnamese anti-aircraft artillery either. Jane is also Fonda writing books about it. Ack-ack we called it back in Cambodia. Jane's new book, "My Life So Far," (contrary to what Rove says, Jane will not be conducting her tour in conjunction with book-signings) contains chapters on how to clean the gun mounts, how to camouflage, and what the lead differences are between those oh-so-fast US fighter jets and those slow, ponderous, devastating bombers. The book is sure to be remaindered a hit with any communist sympathizer or African dictator. However, I'm not too thrilled that there is no mention of her bitch-slappng American POWs by turning into their captors a note one of them passed to her. But then again, this is not a Navy Manual like I studied each Christmas in Cambodia. This is a private book by a private citizen exercising her righ to privacy.

Now, as you know, driving a million miles can really put a dent in your derriere. Let's all get together and buy Jane a traveling donut pillow. Her aged, bony behind will suffer if we don't PULL TOGETHER as Americans -- just like we pulled together to support American POWs in Vietnam -- and let Jane know how we feel her -- about her. ABOUT her.

And, hey, that vegetable oil doesn't come cheap. I think it's converted from dirty diesel into clean-burning, natural, oil, the kind President Bush won't let us have. Can you imagine what a great day for America it would be, if we said no to war and yes to vegetable oil? (SFW) How'd you like to see that dish hooked up with these Berkeley protesters, enjoying the great American pastime of wrestling for peace? Howie?



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