01 July 2005

A Presidential Decree on the Supreme Court

As America now knows, Supreme Court Justice Sandra "Day" O'Connor is retiring, just as soon as her successor is named and presented before me Congress.

Let us first acknowledge the outstanding work of this remarkable judge. She is hereby acknowledged.

Now, we turn to the fight ahead. I believe that this is the fight I have been waiting for. Sorry about the whole Presidential election thing. Misjudged that. My running mate Al Gore has had his credibility damaged by my misjudgment. And Al, I know you're out there monitoring your Internet behind that beard and bad attitude. Sorry, pal.

As I was swift-boating yachting off New England last weekend, I received the first "intel" on the retirement from SCOTUS. Like you, I took this to be good news. I took this to mean that we'd finally be rid of Clarence "Coke Can" Thomas.

My intel, as we know now in hindisight, was wrong. I immediately threw my blazer overboard in protest because I did not feel I had earned it in, as I now took this day-voyage to be an unlawful and damaging sail. Actually, I threw the blazer of a friend, who asked me to. It was not my blazer. I honor and respect those brave Americans who sacrificed themselves in the blazer industry during the troubled times of the 1960s. They are my fellow soldiers. They are my colleagues and pals, and I spent many a Christmas before winter fires with them, drinking egg-nog and singing carols far away from home.

I'll be taking nominations for SCOTUS at my usual locations: the ski slope (please don't bother me when I'm cursing a Secret Service agent), my favorite windsurfing grounds (please don't bother me when I'm adjusting my Speedo), my best mountain bike trail (please don't photograph me at all), or my yachting routes (if you see a blue blazer in the water, please retrieve it since my staff told me I can't reimburse my friend with public funds).

I hope to hear from you soon.


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