19 July 2005

White House Press Corps: What Does THAT Mean??



Hi all, remember me? I starred in such films as 'Columbine,' 'Fahrenheit 9/11' and 'Michael Moore Hates America.'

I've come out of my post-election, drug- and fried chicken-addled seclusion to talk to you about that weird phrase, "White House Press Corps."

WHPC.

Now just what does that mean? I was going to take my camera around and make a movie about it, but this darn libel trial tied me up, and not in a way I like.

Now that I'm such a maaaaaajor winner over that corny Nichols guy, my first thought about WHPC was to break down the phrase and follow each part with a camera team and a mobile KFC Express. That was easy. But editing and producing and distributing a film plus flying to Cannes again was, like, so hard work, so I just put on my baseball cap (Capus Blucolorus! -- heh, are you all reading the new Harry Potter like I am?? I like how Potter can cast spells on the unwitting almost as good as me) and sat down with a few Minutemen buddies and worked it out on paper.

First I thought about the word "White." Notice how it's capitalized? Why is "White" more prominent than "white"? I visited a paint factory, a Lutheran church in Minnesota, and a union electrician named Ted White in San Francisco. There is definitely a link to all three. And it's the color white! Think about it, people!

And House. Everyone's got one, so that's obvious. It's a place where you eat and do other stuff, like eat. It's that place where the government can come in anytime they want and take any of your stuff. But over in England, they have different kinds of "Houses." Sometimes they're big estates. Sometimes they're university buildings. I'm not sure when a building becomes a "House" over there but I'll keep on it until I can tell you. Honestly, this was the part of my filming that gave me intestinal film-maker's block.

Then there's "Press." That could mean a lot of things. So in my journey, I filmed a printing press, an olive press, and a basketball press. There's definitely a link there, a thread that clearly takes you to the next word, the most ominous word.

I mean, of course, Corps. Sounds like "core," but you automatically thread to "corpse" because that's how it -- and this is important -- that's how it looks like it should sound. But then, right away you thread to 'Corps' -- meaning Marine Corps. These are the protectors of the military-industrial state complex. The real tough ones. You've probably never seen one, because they come from places we dont understand, like cities and farms, universities and -- ecch! -- high-school sports teams.

So I was really freaking out by now at all the Obvious Truths I had uncovered. The Minutemen were firing rifles and ululating all over Manhattan (which I filmed).

I put it all together on paper. First I connected White and House, which gave me the national park system where we put our bears and Native Americans and Presidents. I mapped 'White House' out to Pennsylvania Avenue. Then I came to a surprising conclusion.

Did you get it yet, faithful readers?

!!! The President is using the military to kill journalists and store their corpses in top-secret bunkers beneath the White House!!!!!

OMG!!!! It's like 'Soylet Green' without the menu, people! 'Cause the People are still hungry! OMG! It's like 'Planet of the Apes' without the apes! It's like 'The Eiger Sanction,' but on a prairie! It's like Michael Moore without a clue!

(Whew. Deep breath, Mike. Deep breath. Inhaler. OK. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Head between knees. Feet elevated. Stop thinking that! Psychiatrist's phone number in pants pocket--check. Chicken wing in coat pocket--check. Manhattan house key in shoe--check. OK, all better now.)

People, we have GOT to elect a Democrat in 2008, for our own future and the future of the [sic] children.

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