31 August 2005

Two Minute News Wednesday Plus Some

Big celebrations over Little League World Series win. 700 at airport to greet team long flight from Mainland. Humvee limos times two took boys to big party over Ewa. Boys learned alot, mostly, how to persevere to reach goals. Bet a buncha them end up successful and tenacious in adulthood.

No one knows for sure what Hurricane Katrina will do for Hawaii's gas prices. But remember, we have a gas price cap. Right? Right??

Big report out Mainland about poverty up. Suspicions rest on bad journalism. Biased journalism. But say poverty up. Out here Hawaii, no problem, man. Household income up, poverty numbers down. Average income $54,841. 8.9 percent live in level set by feds, down from 10.3 percent in 2003. How about dat?

Hawaii Liquor Commission still got problems, blowback, lack of public trust. Can't raise license fees because no one over heah believe dey trussworthy.

Plant new trees Kuhio Avenue Waikiki. Beautify. Make tourists happy. Now cut down. Big problem drivers can't see, can't steer. Hit stuff. Cost $105k to remove. Thanks for planning, Honolulu. All ready for your planning big light rail system. Maybe train tracks get removed soon too.

Record numbah tourists come Hawaii in July. TikiPundit not surprised. Where else you wanna go but Hawaii?

E. Coli hits four on Oahu. TikiPundit got steel stomach, but some newcomers may have trouble with smalltime restaurants. Like dem chains, some of dirtiest kitchen's you'll ever see. Not gonna name dem, but you know dem. Dey in your town, in big town, in Vegas, in Waikiki. How much you wanna bet E. Coli came from them? TikiPundit eats plate lunch all over Hono, nevah get sick. Eat BBQ, eat picnic, take sushi two hour drive out deah, eat on beach North Shore. No problem. Eat one time Red Lobster, bad bad time in bathroom. TikiPundit direct: Chain restaurants are kapu.

One mo' t'ing:
National Review Online is a great read. I read. But Kathryn Jean Lopez torpedoes her own arguments against the Akaka Bill with this flip ending to her post: "Ask Greg Brady what happens when you mess with ancient, bad taboos. You don't want to go there, Congress." KJL, you don't know from ancient, bad taboos. Greg Brady don't know, either. Hawaiians know all about what happens when you mess with taboos. She makes some other dismissive, flip comments about life in Hawaii, too, but those aren't intelligent enough to warrant comment.

I also want to highlight a couple of excellent links.
The Fiftieth Star is an excellent blog covering Hawaii issues. I didn't even know it existed until I got linked. Glad I got linked, 'cause I checked it out. Makes TikiPundit look like TinyPundit on Hawaiian issues. Make me wanna go down taro field, work field myself in shame. Sweat out dah shame.

The ASG Critique may be the only blog out there covering American Samoa issues. A must read for Pacific Islanders, or fans of the Pacific Islands. Samoans and Samoan culture in the USA are badly overlooked. If TikiPundit was bigger and knew more about the language, he'd slap a Samoa decal on his truck and go cruising. TikiPundit needs a Samoa T-Shirt but doesn't wanna get called out by a local.

28 August 2005

State Government vs TikiPundit's Manifest Kapus

Hawaii Reporter, a conservative online rag, writes about a big story over on Kauai, that any property owner can relate to. Especially Hawaiians can relate to this. Has to do with massively-expanding property tax rates. It's worth reading, if you fear Big Government.

(And as a TikiPundit acolyte, you should not fear this. Your friendly local Hawaiian god reminds you that life will be a lot harder with Hawaiian independence, when I summon you all to work my taro fields and fish ponds, with no expectation that any of your labor will result in food on your table.)

From Baseball Caps to Gas Caps

Hawaii's world-champion little leaguers come home, but will their parents be able to drive them home from the airport?

The Hawaii gas price cap has been enacted, and will take effect on 1 September. Naturally, gas hoarding is feared. But that's not the biggest fear.

Although the Honolulu Red Star-Bulletin says don't overreact, real people think like real people. There's no company gas card for people who don't work at the Star-Bulletin. The S(o)B is in agreement with Hawaii legislators that the public should "wait and see what happens." This experimentalism would be in concert with Adam Smith's "invisible" hand of free economy, except for the fact that the state legislature is influencing gas prices. It's almost enough to make you wonder who is feeding local politicians.

Except that TikiPundit, as an established local Hawaiian god, is above all that.

Still, your friendly local Hawaiian god is concerned for the people who, not receiving competent information from their elected servants, are reduced to procuring five-gallon Jerry cans out of pure, blind fear. Life becomes crazy in these moments, and TikiPundit is all about a relaxed island lifestyle.

Besides, how far removed from reality do you have to be to understand that this particular "gas cap" will actually raise gas prices? About as far removed as a state legislator. The most enthusiastic of them say only "let's see how it goes." That's pretty pathetic.

For an island whose self-described natives treasure their history, these legislators seem intent on revising -- when not burying -- the history of price caps. It's a shame you elect someone to office and they ack like the whole world is new to them. Maybe there shoudl be an audit -- kind of a "No Legislator Left Behind" test where candidates have to prove some level of competence in history.

That a gas cap appeals to elected locals does not speak well to the quality of a Hawaii education.

Volokh notes the cheerful experimentality of this gas cap business, though without personally suffering the consequences.

Freedom From Fries

I just want to explain this. My Golden State has filed suit over those golden fried potatoes. Not "potatos" as Dan Quayle would have spelt it. Because California matters so much, as a state whose opinion informs those fly-overs, this lawsuit is really, really important.

I can assure you that, in our effort to achieve the high quality of life enjoyed by Belgians and Frenchmen, we will not fail in our efforts to kill the French fry industry. Pomme frites are a bad thing, and I hope to enlist the Rolling Stones and Sting to sing their demise!

Really, I am a level-headed woman.

Hawaii's Little League World Champions

Ewa Beach beats Curricao 7-6 in the bottom of overtime 7th inning to become our first LL World Series Champions!

Congratulations, players! Big time big win. Now, get back over here 'cause school has started. Heh heh.

UPDATE: This article accurately describes what the media has not yet: the essence of Ewa Beach, which will inform you as to the magnitude of their win. Once again, congratulations!

26 August 2005

Friday Foto

Halawa Valley, Molokai. Ancestral home of TikiPundit.

25 August 2005

TikiBits Thursday

ITEM: A cap on gasoline prices, starting 1 September, was enacted by the Hawaii government. Where's the tax cap?

ITEM: They haven't even got the darn thing passed yet and already the Akaka Bill is getting amendments. I disagree with Pravdatiser writer Derrick DePledge's assertion that the bill has been"held for five years because of Republican opposition." It's been held for five years because of poor writing and worse marketing.

ITEM: That gas cap is flexible, so it's not like a CAP cap -- like on a bottle, that stops the liquid inside from leaking. It's more like a diaper on a baby's bottom. Works for a while, but won't hold it back forever.

ITEM: Electricity prices in the islands are up over 16% against the same time last year.
Shh--don't say it!
"Nuclear power."
Awwww, you said it.

ITEM: Here's an article on people who re-discovered their minimal native American heritage and used it to their advantage. Everybody out in Hawaii should be doing this. Last night on TV, they were pushing the Hawaiian Registry in ads. I think there will be a gas subsidy for natives. That oughta motivate you to sign up!

ITEM: About 59 cents of the prices of on gallon of Hawaii gas is tax payment.

ITEM: Hawaii residents pay more than double per kilowatt hour than Mainlanders do.

ITEM: The bridge in Haleiwa is getting fixed, finally. Thank goodness! It's too narrow for modern vehicles. I get worried every time I drive my SUV over it to go steal electricity.

ITEM: Boy, if a few turtles get them upset, those North Shore locals are really gonna get mad when tourists flock to see my new gas-guzzling 200-foot outrigger canoe.

ITEM: Leave you on a high note: this just in -- gas on Oahu, now averaging $2.75 per gallon retail, could shortly shoot to $2.87 a gallon due to the implementation of the price cap.

24 August 2005

Call off the Dogs, George!

I tell you what, I really can't stand that USA. Always interfering with my plans! I got big plans for North Korea and I can't deal with all these US troops pouring in to exercise the "defense" of South Korea. Ain't gonna be no defense. I tried to tell Hans that.

So I made my stoogies over at DPRK News put out a sophisticated press release. I'm telling George, "Call off the dogs! Call them off! And while you're at it, can you get that UN flag off the US Forces Korea flagpole? You're making me look bad!

Here's my press release. Better than Lance Armstrong:
Pyongyang, August 24 (KCNA) -- We have shown utmost magnanimity and flexibility as regards the issue of denuclearizing the Korean Peninsula but will never do such a thing as yielding to anyone's pressure and abandoning our sovereign right. A spokesman for the Foreign Ministry of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea stated this in an answer given to a question put by KCNA Wednesday in connection with the Ulji Focus Lens-05 joint military exercises launched by the United States in south Korea.
    Recalling that the U.S.-south Korea "Combined Forces Command" launched the joint military exercises on August 22 despite the repeated warnings of the DPRK, the spokesman said:
    We cannot but take a serious view of such perfidious act of the U.S. as staging the provocative war maneuvers targeted against the dialogue partner after expressing its will not to invade the DPRK.
    The U.S. undisguised military hostility towards the DPRK only compels it to explicitly interpret the U.S. expression of its will for a peaceful solution to the nuclear issue as no more than hypocrisy.
    Dialogue and confrontation can never go together.
    If the U.S. persistently incites confrontation and pursues dialogue as a smokescreen to cover up it, this will also compel the DPRK to change its stand toward dialogue.
    The fact that the U.S. launched the above-said military exercises on the eve of the resumption of the six-party talks that had gone into temporary recess cannot be construed otherwise than an attempt to force the DPRK to accept its unjust demand.
    The U.S. is sadly mistaken if it calculates it can get any concession from the DPRK by military pressure or high-handed practice.
    All the facts go to prove what just step the DPRK has taken to bolster all the deterrent forces under the banner of Songun.
    The DPRK is closely following all the developments.

23 August 2005

TikiBits Tuesday

Man, can you believe it's Tuesday already? Seems like it was just Monday.

ITEM: Kamehameha Schools is asking the full 9th Circuit Court to rehear its admission case, which it lost once. The school system wanna get more judges involved. School still can't belive that wacky 9th Circuit couldn't support its defense against non-Hawaiian amisshun. Lolo court anyway. Dat court overturned more than heads-tails coin game.

ITEM: Big debate lass nite on TV Akaka Bill. Your friendly local Hawaiian god dinnt watch. Mo' bettah read baseball news. September 6th to stop delaying vote on bill in Senate. Poll by biased Office of Hawaiian Affairs (a state office) says most support Akaka Bill. Not believed. Udda poll said opposite. Reality somewhere in between.

ITEM: Man stole car from woman yesterday at Mokule'ia Beach. Woman was naked. Made press some reason.

ITEM: Littoral explosions at HAVO on Big Island on 19 August. Pele slumbers restless in her sleep. Dis bettah meeting of land and sea than famous Big Sur. And happen' ri' heah Hawaii:

22 August 2005

Akaka Bill: Today Governor Lingle on the Mike Buck Radio Show

Gov. Lingle was on the Mike Buck radio show (KHVH, 830 am) out here today, talking about the Akaka Bill. She made a few points, at least the points I heard while I was stuck on the H1 heading home. And by stuck, I mean stuck. Jeez, you give dah people some cars and cash and man, they hit the road. Not like you gonna drive far here, anyway. So why bother? Just walk to beach and have some barbecue.

Anyway, the governor said:
--The Akaka Bill preserves benefits to native Hawaiians that are under legal attack.
--It enshrines guarantees granted native Hawaiians received from Congress, and later as part of Hawaii's admittance as a state
--Hawaii ain't gonna secede (darnit, I was hoping to take over as the only Hawaiian god with high-speed internet)
--No casinos (boy, I could really start to dislike this governor)

I think she was intimating (but she didn't say this) that unidentified entities would like to get their hands on Hawaiian Homelands. Those are Congressionally-set aside lands (big-time acreage) for native Hawaiians.

I could see that, because I can see what real estate is going for right now. But I don't know that for a fact.

The audio will be up in mp3 in a few days here. Check it out. Mike's a good radio host. He makes my afternoon life on the H1 more bearable.

Speaking of which, the Guvette also talked about the whole mass transit thing and why didn't didn't oppose the recent tax increase, made without a plan for how to spend the money being prepared yet. She noted complaints about how the new housing out on West Oahu is directly affected by mass transit, or lack of it.

On another note, there was talk about why a gas cap is a bad idea for Neighbor Islands. If oil companies are capped on how much they can charge, they could be less inclined to ship gas over there, if they start losing money due to a price cap. I got no opinion on it. It's a possibility, of course, but my truck sit Waikiki. Not because your friendly local Hawaiian god is smart, just experienced.

Dis KHVH also got Rick Hamada, in dah morning, when you not lissen ESPN sports radio. Pretty good guy there, too.

21 August 2005

Tiki's Heiau -- Only Known Photograph

TikiPundit's Heiau. Photograph circa 1880.

I wanted to show you a picture of my heiau. A heiau is a temple comprised of a stone platform, sometimes with structures built upon it. As you can see, there are no structures on my heiau. That's because I had houses and buildings elsewhere. How low-rent of a Polynesian god do you think I am?? You think your friendly local Hawaiian god's gonna live down on the cold stone? Come on! I know about futons and air conditioning and Viking ranges.

According to the Big Dummy's Guide to Deities, structures on the platform were used to house priests, sacred ceremonial drums, sacred items, and idols representing the gods associated with that particular temple. There were also altars on which to offer sacrifices (plant, animal and human).

The photographer who took this picture, one John Harrison Browne of England, was later eaten by sharks arranged by yours truly, when his ship, the HMS Lollypop, went down in a surprisingly sudden storm. The local government should remember that next time they decide to raise taxes to pay for a railroad for which they have not yet planned.


I was messing around with Blogger's image posting and hyperlinking. Here's a picture I took out here and Photoshopped.

Click on it to view larger size. Enjoy!

20 August 2005

Current Explorations in T-Shirt Culture

First of all, gotta tell you that the Akaka Bill will be voted on when the Senate convenes in September. After cloture got invoked, that means a short debate and a fast vote. Should be one of the first things to come up.

Second, and meanwhile, today your friendly local Hawaiian god went down to the Hawaii Crafts Show at the Blaisdell Center in Honolulu. I can't say it was a "Hawaiian" crafts show because there were mostly non-native vendors in the joint. Gotta work on that in the future. Give booth preference to Natives! Big thing showing, though, was a a T-shirt that read, Keep Kamehameha Schools Hawaiian. That got a lot of attention. Then I started checking out other T-shirt booths. They had some doozies, lemme tell you.

Out here, it's popular for Pacific Islanders to wear T-shirts that say, Proud to be Hawaiian or Samoan or whatever (or else put decals all over your car. My decal says, "Proud to be Your Divine Overlord."). So there were some of those. One shirt had a bold message for non-Hawaiians and/or tourists: We grew here, you flew here. Didn't I hear that back in like 1968? Pure Breed Hawaiian T-shirts looked good, but probably not gonna sell too many of those. Heck, even the state-funded Office of Hawaiian Affairs admits as much. They're so desperate for signups to the OHA Hawaiian Registry that they'll let anybody get the Hawaiian tag -- if you don't have that ethnic tag on your birth certificate, just fax in one from a parent, or grandparent, or whatevah. The idea is that you can prove a blood relation to someone who was here before 1893. (Don't tell them that parents over on the Mainland can put whatever ethnic group they want on a kid's birth certificate, and students can declare whatever they want to be.)

Here's a another T-Shirt: Where there's a will, there's no way. That means, the Kamehameha Schools, established from a trust fund and totally private, can do pretty much whatever they want. I say, more power to 'em. Because this policy, while restrictive to the majority, is in another way quite liberating to non-Hawaiians. Who needs to let blacks into schools anymore? What about Catholics? They've got one of the few competent school systems in Hawaii. They could refuse entry to Hawaiians, or mo' bettah, non-Catholics. The possibilities are endless when you consider ethnicity-based inclusions and exclusions. As for me, I intend to restrict readership to this blog to, ummm, I dunno, but I'll figure it out and get back with you. Somebody's got to go, though!

Looks like they already got the national defense for the independent kingdom country governing entity set up. Someone was selling Hawaiian Homelands SECURITY numbers. But these struck me as the kind of T-shirts you see at events, like a Steel Pulse concert, or an appearance by Ward Churchill. I hope they get some military training soon, so the wearers of these T-Shirts can take over things when the US military withdraws. If they can't do that yet, at least get some more professional looking clothes!

19 August 2005

TikiBits Friday

Here's a joke picture. If the Akaka Bill passed, Kamehameha Schools admitted only Hawaiian students, and independence was declared in some future fantasy, this is what hi-tech would look like in Hawaii, given the low academic standards on the islands today. Thanks to TikiPundit for the picture, heh heh.

I don't know why people are always picking on PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They kill 'em just like normal people do. Maybe they should change their name to PEKA. I bet they'd get a lot less negative press.

This reminds me of the wharf riots on Molokai. Stampedes, grabbing at stuff whether you need it or not-- ahh, the good old days.

Wanda Adams over at the Honolulu Pravdatiser talks about chapchae, one kind of Korean stir-fry. I'm all over food, most of the time. Your friendly local Hawaiian god doesn't miss many meals. But I'm not sure Korean food is going to be the Next Big Thing. I remember thinking a long time ago that sushi and sashimi would break out from Hawaii and California, and it did, big time. That was right after I came back from four and a half years of bringing Hawaii to the Japanese. You can get sushi in Kansas and the tiniest English towns these days. But Korean? That's a whole 'nother level. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But if it does, expect regional Filipino and the more exotic aspects of Thai cooking to hit Brunswick, New Jersey, too.

18 August 2005

Akaka Clears the Air (Just Wish He Could Clear the H1)

I heard from Mike on drive-home radio today that Senator Akaka responded about his comments over on (hold your nose) NPR (see transcript URL below). He doesn't foresee independence for Hawaii. Here's his clarification press release.

I shouldn't care but I'm glad to hear this. I think Akaka is a straight shooter, not an agendist or looking for some cultural pork to bring back to Hawaii. There's plenty of people in the Senate and the House who behave like monkeys. I think Akaka's a good rep for the state in Congress who seems to keep his nose clean in a dirty town and only comes to the forefront on issues he feels passionate about.

Besides that, he just made me an offering. Thanks, Dan.

Now, the NPR business has hit the blog harder than all the legislative maneuvering a thousand senators could achieve. So a "blogstorm" is brewing.

Ignore the rest, stay with the best. And that's me, your friendly local Hawaiian god. While parties left and right go koo-koo, only TikiPundit is on the island, in the mix, observing, reporting and opining on the good, the bad and the ugly around S.147. Only TikiPundit gonna tell you like it is. TikiPundit and Mike, that is, who saves me everyday I gotta drive home down the H1. Maybe I get dah cellar phone, order Mike put me on dah show everyday, let world hear TikiPundit. That would go down bigger than Emperor Hirohito in 1945. First time locals heard his voice, telling 'em the gig was up.

17 August 2005

Akaka Bill Rolls Like 0-2 Foot Waves

Wall Street Journal's Opinion Journal doesn't like the Akaka Bill. In principle, it's not a bad assessment, and its writers, Slade Gorton and Hank Brown, are not stupid. (Although TikiPundit wonders why it takes more and more people these days to write. For goodness sake, this piece was only 814 words long. Remember high school? Teacher told you, write one page, front and back, on the Gettysburg Address. That meant 500 words, 250 on each side. So this article is more like a weekend homework assignment rather than an overnighter. Pish posh, says me, who has been reading Victorian stories lately.

I didn't hear no one over here boast that Hawaii could secede peacefully, Slade and Hank. And, truth is, that assertion that the Akaka Bill "rests on a betrayal of express commitments made by its sponsors a decade ago" is an useless point, since nothing was made law back then. The other day, I tole wan guy go fishpond, get fish fo' me, take nex day off. But then, I needed him go back fishpond nex day, get me wan mo' fish. So much for my express commitment. Guy was mad, but on dah udda han', he got contact famous Hawaiian god two days, and mana increased.

Also, Slade and Hank out of Senate job now, got time read histories from all sides of 1893 overthrow and annexation. They point out that USA was neutral but ignored the influence of US persons in these actions. That's not quite so. Someone told it to the Marines, who came in to protect the interest of US businessmen on the islands. TikiPundit definitely not leftist or socialist or worker's rights (ha! look my taro fields) but US Marines posturing all over the place is not a good way to "win the hearts and minds" of the locals.

Maybe if TikiPundit had had more powers at that time, would have sent all Americans to leaping-off place. But then bad things would have happened. Russians come. British come. French come. Japanese come. Maybe even Germans come. TikiPundit could summon all the sharks in the world to appear, but those kine sharks very tough to kill off. The machinations of overthrow and annexation cannot be explained in a WSJ blog by a couple of disaffected ex-pols. Jus' like TikiPundit cannot explain what a heiau is and means in a blog.

I agree that the rights of native Hawaiians are protected under the US Constitution. It remains one of the tree four most important documents of thought in the history of the world. You can talk Magna Carta, you can talk Martin Luther, you can talk about the lyrics of Bruce Springsteen till the night-marchers come home, but you cannot doubt how incredibly important and well-done the Constitution is. But G&B got one t'ing wrong same paragraph. They write, "[Native Hawaiians'] economic success matches that of non-native Hawaiians."


Not by a long shot. T'ing is, if the Hawaiian gods and chiefs and kings came back, it would be even worse for those poor suckers.

Now, let's talk about independence. I already tole you, who gonna run power plant. No one email me, say, "Dis bruddah can run power plant." Who gonna run air traffic control tower, land tourist planes? Nobody email. Who gonna pave roads, be civil engineers? What, use Stone Age heiau-building technology to pave roads? No one email. Natives too poor or stupid to use email. Gonna land planes, that kind education? Already Hawaii Nr. 50 in education. What we gonna teach? Graffiti tagging? How to arson up brush fire? How to dump stolen car by beach? How to make "ice"? We good at all dat.

Hawaii Reporter has an August 16th NPR (hold your nose) transcript talking about the Akaka Bill and so on. Go and read it.

Crazy boy up deah name U'u Koanoa Kanahele. Also called Bumpy. That's because his brain is bumpy. He wanna be chief. He wanna get mana. He wanna be kahuna. He crazier than shit-house rat. He t'ink any apology admittance of crime. So I go bump old lady in Daiei, say sorry, I committed crime? That's crazy talk.

Could be big problem independent Hawaii: 80,000 GIs. But no worries. Everybody happy to keep GIs in Hawaii, that's for sure. Big money, those guys. GIs are "cash-rich and asset-poor." Just like a lotta Japanese. That means, they spend spend spend off-base. Cars, restaurants, golf clubs, TVs. Good for business, good for government. Retail means tax collection. Don't no-one wanna see Pearl Harbor close.

That much remains intact from the Hawaiian Kingdom. Gotta love those GIs. Even Marines, who ack lot bettah today.

TikiPundit thinks that a couple of semi-crazy ex-Senators got nothing useful to say about Akaka Bill. Mo' bettah go get retainer some job. Dey spent 814 words on a blog for nothing useful say. They gotta get back now to reality.

They are cynical dreamers.

Here is reality, right now my place: Sunset Waikiki still one of most beautiful on planet. BBQ smell in air. Late waves, last rides. Tourists strolling, think about dinne. Kids splashing in warm water, sandy bottom beach. People outside, talking, laughing. Parks everywhere, green everywhere. Honolulu stll one of most pleasant big cities in dah worl'.

All this outdoors matters. Commentary from wanabe pundits don't matter wan bit. Not even from TikiPundit. Because TikiPundit naturalist anyway. Understands wave action, fish seasons, movement of insects, changes in windspeed and direction, wat kine clouds. All this matters to men. G&B been so removed so long from men they don't unnastand nuttin' no mo' about men.

16 August 2005

I'm Back in Hawaii

Many thanks to Cranky Neocon fo' let your friendly local Hawaiian god guestblog on great, big site. Much mana at Cranky's site. Tiki learned much about blogging, including about TypePad. Must bring TypePad to islands, more people blog Hawaii. Bring mana to islands. To TikiPundit. Sending donation of 1000 ti leaves to Cranky as thanks. Cranky make much use of this on Mainland, get many good things in return.

Come back home, problems got people out in their yards complaining. Complaining at beach. Complaining at L&L Drive-in. Big problem Congress, Akaka Bill. You already know, some Hawaiians love it, some hate it. Dem dat love it, love to follow the $$$green$$$, my opinion. Cause nothing's gonna change here, except some of the locals get relief from the crazy cost of living. Then dem dat hate it, they don't want nothing to do with the USA because they think the land was stolen anyway. Big annex happen'. Very sad and mad, some of them. Even if they weren't alive and didn't unnastand cultural context at that time. This shows no respect to own ancestors, and that makes TikiPundit very angry. Make earthquakes. OK, miss slightly. But gonna get bettah.

Akaka Bill is stalled in the lofty halls of Congress, but has just gained blogmentum beyond the idol (false, non-Hawaiian idol), dat very smart Michelle Malkin. redstate.org is aware.

Redstate notices that 21 House Republicans put up a letter requesting that Akaka Bill not be scheduled for this Congressional session.

Grave concerns says Congressman about violate Constitution. Race-base government. Say Congress not allowed to designate group as "Indian tribe."

That definition whole prollem. Hawaiians not tribe o' Indians. Not live North America. Not wanna go deah. Come from Australasia long time befoah, go east, go northeast, stop Hawaii. Simple. Big boat, good navigation, lotta food. Easy breezy Hawaiian sailors 'n' navigators. Sometime go back too. Go back shopping tourist spots Fiji, Samoa, Tahiti. Then come back. Make big culture. Make big nation. But Stone Age. Not having forges. Not having metal. Make shark-tooth knife. Make human sacrifice to gods. Make TikiPundit happy.

But TikiPundit young in those days. Not have heiau. Not have temple. Not own taro fields. Very poor TikiPundit. Live alone on Molokai. Make own platform, d'ose days. Eat fish catch own self. No offerings. Not like today. TikiPundit revered. 'Cause TikiPundit only Hawaiian god know tech. Tiki got tech. Hi-tech. Got TiVo. Got truck. Got take-out. Got much mana. Took your local friendly Hawaiian god many years to get mana from those days.

Maybe not too bright, take 21 Congressman write wan lettah. Congressmen names: Steve King, Dana Rohrbacher, Jeff Flake, Louie Gohmert, Gil Gutknechtt, Virgil Goode, Ernest Istook, Lynn Westmoreland, Mike Pence, Jeb Hensarling, Dave Weldon, Chris Chocola, Tom Tancredo, Ron Paul, John Kline, John Duncan, Zach Wamp, Todd Akin, Charlie Norwood, Wally Herger, Scott Garrett. TikiPundit only hear wan name befoah: Tancredo & Rohrbacher.

What, Auntie? Two name? OK, stop hitting toppa head!

Someday, I will introduce you to Auntie. Big matriarch. Big fist, hit head when say something wrong. Not pronounce Hawaiian right because she wen got dentures. But bruddah, she can cook.

Two Minute Hawaii News Tuesday

Two thousand acres burn Nanakuli, threaten homes, close Farrington Highway west Oahu. Tourist van Kala'kaua Avenue Hono hits three tourists, one badly injured. Telltale sign: humpback whale loitering Hawaiian islands. Pay attention to whale pattern!

We Will Not March Through Tehran Square

Like, OMGOMGOMFG. I'm blogging my re-election here! My party -- the PDS or SDD or something -- is like, so anal and conservative about my reputation that I'm having to blog in a foreign country just to get my word out. They'd like, totally ground me if they knew I was doing this.

I want to talk to you about the New Hotness in Europe: Iran. Because Trans-Atlantic is so old and busted. Iran is a major figure in European affairs because, well, it's not Iraq. American has so cornered Iraq for about as long as, well, a long time.

But seriously, America has given Europe three chances for us to assert our two values (peace, cooperation, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope) -- three values, heh heh. So you see I'm not such a square. I can quote Monty Python!

Anyway, Europe had a chance to deal with the Balkans. No comment. Then we had a chance to deal with Rwanda. Now we have a chance to bring Iran into the fold of cooperative countries, just like the European Commission's Chris Patterson did so well with his six trips to North Korea "back in the day." So there's a lot riding on this.

Like my ass. I'm so way behind in the polls. I need a Persian success to appease those who are looking too closely at my dismal -- not to say Scheiss -- domestic record. And what a lot of records there are. Record deficit (except for nineteen forty you-know-when). Record unemployment. Record low popularity. I've cut more records than James Brown! (Another hip reference, in case you didn't notice.)

The last thing I need is for another failure to get splashed on the front page of a ten Euro copy of 'bild' picked up by a vacationing German in Tunisia.

Besides, ever since Galloway's Gig with the oil thing went bad after Saddam went all spider-holey on us, we Europeans are paranoid that our precious oil coupons -- er, supplies -- national supplies! -- are at risk. We need to toil for oil.

So that's exactly why, last weekend in Hannover, at a big rally, I said, "Nein" to sending German troops to invade Iran.

//chirp chirp//

That's right. By this bold statement -- a heartening message to our Iranian friends in these troubled times -- I am signalling that, once again, Europe is the nation of cooperation and peace. I'm also reminding you that I was behind before the last election -- and my opposition to overthrowing Saddam got me re-elected. So, you see, I'm somthing of an old fox, politically.

Besides, you don't think my motorcade is full of efficient hybrid-fuel Opels, do you?

John Roberts -- Papist

Our Maximum Leader succinctly points out the whole "good Papists/bad Papists" thing over at Naked Villiany. To the Left, good Catholics are the likes of champion canal-swimmer and gin-guzzler Ted Kennedy, who is never seen within 500 meters of a church (owing to the stabbing pains in his eyes he gets every time he sees a crucifix). To the Right, good Catholics are the likes of SCOTUStista John Roberts, who is -- well, abiding by the faith, so far as we know. ML understands that when religion comes into political play (unlike, say, investigative reporting on a religionist's underage children), special place is reserved for Catholics. Sure, could be the whole abortion thing, but Catholics don't hold a unique position on that. It could certainly be the whole sleaze/priest thing, because it seems like every left-leaning Victimist in America can recite some Bad Thing (tm) that happened to him. And it could be that the Church holds major sway because it's, like, its own country with ambassadors and borders and letterhead.

In any event, as ML (again) points out (why am I even writing this? go to his site), nothing in America seems to split the disturbed mind of the Left as much as the Roman Catholic Church. And to them I say, happy schizophrenia, clown(s). We'll be further up the path of progress when you're released from the institution.

10 August 2005

2-Minute Hawaii News Wednesday

Little big news over here. Big mass transit bill tax bill passed. Kamehameha Schools lawsuit kid won't go Kamehameha School for 12th grade. One more brush fire out west Oahu. Underachieving No Child Left Behind middle-school kids get special ed after school, according to plan. Still trying to clean up corrupt Liquor Commission. Big University of Hawaii summer session commencement speaker is George Takei, aka "Mr Sulu" from Star Trek. Big try world record hula dance on Waikiki Beach August 20. Hawaiian Airlines kahuna Joshua Gotbaum wants eight million dollar success money for bailing out bankrupt airline. In other news, Hawaiian Airlines threatened with bankruptcy by big success money request.

08 August 2005

Kamehameha Schools Protest & General Dumbness

Your favorite local Hawaiian god was at the big protest in Honolulu this past weekend. Everybody was out complaining about the 9th Circuit Court decision to desegregate Kamehameha Schools. All I knew was "big protest" so naturally I went on down there to check my people out. I had left my camera with Lono, though, who wanted to take some pictures of "bitchin' waves" that were sure to come this weekend. I think he ended up in a pawn shop on McCully, hungover and looking for some quick cash. So I ended up relying on MSM to help document this seminal event in the racist history of Hawaii.

I want to show you first why I didn't go to Hilo to join the protest over there.
Here is the massive show of support:

A circle. They got up a circle. Thanks. Appreciate the support. Nice to know you can mobilize the citizenry -- or whatever you're called in the soon-to-be Hawaiian nation -- for an important cause. I'll remember that next time Zeros come flying in over your heads. You remember THAT, don't you? What a nightmare!

Here's where I was instead. Honolulu, where all the people who didn't have jobs last week had time to dig out some flags, wash some T-shirts and head downtown to march up and down the street at the indignity of it all. Since I didn't have a job last week either, I went out and got this cool University of Hawaii trucker's cap to wear. Check me out, representin'.

Check out that guy on the cell phone. What's he doing? Calling his girlfriend? "Hey, I'm gonna be on MSM, prolly tomorrow!" Or else, "Hey, meet me at Sam Choys after the march so we can talk about how repressed we are, over some oysters and lobster." A cell phone during a protest?? Hey, over in Hilo they had me on speed dial, but I couldn't care. I sent them more rain. On the Tiki weather speed dial. I got three numbers punched in: clouds/rain, tsunami, and Eddie Aikau Quicksilver. I wonder what farmer's market was more important to them over in Hilo, that they couldn't turn out. Maybe there was a car crash on the two-lane that is the ONLY major highway on the island, and all the protesters got backed up somewhere.

Anyway, the latest news today is that the kid won't be allowed to enroll in the school anyway right now. His lawyer asked for it, the 9th Circuit said get lost. Second news, Kamehameha Schools is launching "Plan B," which is, umm, what to do if other races get past the lawyers, George Wallace and the Alabama National Guard.

Did you read it?

'Cause I gotta ask, is THAT Plan B? Kam leaders, that's all you got? Plan A: status quo -- haole go home. Plan B: Haole High School. Come on, no wonder you went burned down all my temples and tore up my shrines back then. You don't THINK well, people. Your Plan B oughta be Plan Q or X. Don't you understand politics and negotiation at all? What about the plans in between? The strategies and negotiating points in between refusal and surrender? I know at least one of you knows how to use a cell phone 'cause I saw you at the protest. Call someone who has a clue.

Admittedly, the big Plan B has some limiters in it that would satisfy a lot of Hawaiians. For instance, applicants could be forced to pass a Hawaiian language test. Good luck with that given the state "No Child Left Behind" failures. Or, admittance could be limited to people who claimed descendance from native Hawaiians before 1893 (good luck with that, though, as Germany found out when its citizenship policies got roughed up by the European Union).

But for now, look for a year or two of court fights. The plaintiff is a senior in high school this fall. He'll be in Congress slapping around a "racist" state policy by the time the locals are finding out what's wrong with Plan B. Selma, Hawaii, here we come.

06 August 2005

2-Minute Hawaii News

Big protest today all over Hawaii. Islands aflame with passion and tension. Polish up canoes, tighten strings on war clubs. Get some new ink. No, dis not over the ban-alcohol-at-UH-football games business. Dis over Kamehameha Schools. Dose private schools for Hawaiians only. So protest today. But not protest 14-year old Kapolei schoolboy, hold knife on teacher. Not protest terrible middle- and high-school test scores. Not protest state have to lower No Child Left Behind standards so all the kids don't get left behind to hold knives on teachers and start brush fires. Not protest 'cause school system stinks. Not even protest have to pay tuition put kid in private school so he don't grow up too dumb to get job. Protesting instead have to let haole into private Kamehameha school system. Gonna be a rally on Maui, a pule and mele on Molokai, praying on the Big Island, and a march through poverty-stricken Kailua.

If Akaka Bill had passed, this would be no problem fo anyone.

Meanwhile, Turtle Bay versus unions just got nastier. TB says Local 5 union "illegally got" (stole) customer lists and contacted them to support Local 5. That hotel messed up inside and out. Years of fighting union. Tens of millions in renovation. No one want job North Shore. TikiPundit says take hotel away, leave North Shore free of unsightly business, jobs or sustainable income. Dis much better fo real estate prices. Everyone know blight keeps prices down. Hotel is a blight. Union 5 is a blight.

Why cut hair? Ask tree people La'ie. Busted fo cut hair 22-year old woman. No barber shop cut. Cut two a.m. in da morning wit knife. I hope police can tell later, why cut hair. Maybe it was a TB vs Union 5 fight.

Good news here. No one steal water like Alamagordo, New Mexico. Why steal water? Water is life. Who steal life? Only killers. Plenty of life here. Come over, visit.

351 French Cases

You know, if this happened in my country, we'd be outraged. WARNING: NSFNP (Not Safe for Normal People)

Fortunately, we can blame the French. The Americans don't have a monopoly on that.

Why Am I So Successful With the Ladies?


Many people come from afar, like Wonson, to marvel at me. This is because of my big fat intellect. Even the running-dog
Western press has been forced to acknowledge my mental stones.

Because I don't forget anything, I can remember every porn movie in my collection, every bad meal I ever ate, and every bad decision I ever made. That last one is easy -- I never made ANY! I'm so smart, look how far I've taken the DPRK. A long time ago, I told Dad that I could be a dear leader if I could get to the kids. That's how I got into 1970s era heavy metal rock. I dug Deep Purple, Foghat and my favorite bands Scorpions and Iron Maiden.

And I can remember all their lyrics and their riffs and I play the drums perfectly, since the first time I picked up a pair of sticks.

Remember that next time you see me hanging around the 6-Party Talks. Emphasis on Party!!

04 August 2005

Cloning Dogs, Soldiers and Food But Not Hans Blix


I bet you were excited to read this story about Snuppy, the Korean cloned dog. The lapdog, lackey, running dog Seoul press were told by the United States to portray this "cloning" as a "South" Korean story.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Snuppy is my dog and he was Made in Pyongyang. He was my birthday present.

See? I told you TikiPundit made me the hi-tech guy on this blog. And now you got hi-tech. Cloning.

Next, I'm gonna clone some food for my people. The usual stuff -- rice, cabbage, meat, opium poppies and meth labs. And then I'm gonna clone my Dad, Kim. 'Cause I'm really tired of getting beaten up by the UAEA and the UN and all those people for stuff he started. Cut me some slack, Kofi! I'm a beaten man!

03 August 2005

2-Minute Hawaii News

You know TikiPundit guest blog. TikiPundit watch carefully Cranky Neocon many days and weeks. TikiPundit check tides, stars, animal movements, shark appearances, rainfall in garden. Then TikiPundit make move. Steal idea from friend Cranky Neocon. Here come 2 minute news. But not total steal. Not for 160 page hits so far. TikiPundit now present:

2-Minute Hawaii News.

Just like Cranky Neocon, only about Hawaii only. Incomplete sentences only. That's easy. TikiPundit don't like Standard American English no mo'. Inefficient. Uni-cultural.

TikiPundit like pidgin. English, Hawaiian, Tagalog, Japanese, PacIslander. All mix up. Loco lingo. This real Hawaii speak, right now and current.

So here goes:

Biggest news first: Crazy 9th Circuit force big private Hawaiian school to stop being race-based school. Big will from Kamehamea made Hawaii only school. Big racism, say court. Next: Crazy slingshot guy. Item: Crazy real estate market islands some little less crazy today. Crazy guy beat up car. But it's OK, was a rental. ITEM: Lotta argue fight over rail system Oahu. This big issue, deserve TikiPundit appearance in shark disguise County meeting. ITEM: Haole in Honolulu little bit happier today. Not usually happy at all. Take picture graffiti. Take picture homeless. Run around Waikiki, take picture, worry about job. Mo bettah get job, take night picture after job finish.

02 August 2005

Now I Tell You Why Talks Stalled


You old friend Kim here. You've probably seen me on TV, in such shows as "A Double Ration of Rice? You Wish!" and the wildly popular (at least in Hawaii, according to the Honolulu Pravadiser) soap opera, "Emperor of the Nukes." I ain't gonna talk about that Southpark junk "Team America" junk right now. Maybe I talk later after my pal Michael Moore gets finished stalking Parker & Stone.

Anyway, I wanna put a shout out to the world and tell you you're my homeys. And furthermore, I got a real itchy finger. My real itchy finger is very close to this big red button on my desk. And I've got about fourteen social diseases, so DON'T MESS WITH ME.

Lately, I'm really taking it in the a** over this whole "talks" business. What means talks? Man, I can talk all day. I got a mouthful of talk to speak about.

I sure am glad I got Communist China on my side. Man, if Mao was gone, I don't know what I'd do. Probably cut the peasants' rations again. Anyway, I got this American Chris Hill over a barrel right now. Just stick with me. I can delay and cut and negotiate and refuse all day long, until I'm an old man, and no one's gonna do anything about it.

So you can just bite me.

I apologize for straying from my TikiPundit mandate to report only on hi-tech. I know that politics and statesmanship is really, really low-tech. I'm saying, chimps agree quicker to treaties than I do. That's because I'm so smart. And chimps are not.

I bet, if you put 50 chimps in a room with 50 typewriters, they couldn't come up with Juche principles inside of a million years. So I'm smart.

Now please excuse me while I go smoke a Partagas and watch some Western porn.