16 August 2005

We Will Not March Through Tehran Square

Like, OMGOMGOMFG. I'm blogging my re-election here! My party -- the PDS or SDD or something -- is like, so anal and conservative about my reputation that I'm having to blog in a foreign country just to get my word out. They'd like, totally ground me if they knew I was doing this.

I want to talk to you about the New Hotness in Europe: Iran. Because Trans-Atlantic is so old and busted. Iran is a major figure in European affairs because, well, it's not Iraq. American has so cornered Iraq for about as long as, well, a long time.

But seriously, America has given Europe three chances for us to assert our two values (peace, cooperation, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope) -- three values, heh heh. So you see I'm not such a square. I can quote Monty Python!

Anyway, Europe had a chance to deal with the Balkans. No comment. Then we had a chance to deal with Rwanda. Now we have a chance to bring Iran into the fold of cooperative countries, just like the European Commission's Chris Patterson did so well with his six trips to North Korea "back in the day." So there's a lot riding on this.

Like my ass. I'm so way behind in the polls. I need a Persian success to appease those who are looking too closely at my dismal -- not to say Scheiss -- domestic record. And what a lot of records there are. Record deficit (except for nineteen forty you-know-when). Record unemployment. Record low popularity. I've cut more records than James Brown! (Another hip reference, in case you didn't notice.)

The last thing I need is for another failure to get splashed on the front page of a ten Euro copy of 'bild' picked up by a vacationing German in Tunisia.

Besides, ever since Galloway's Gig with the oil thing went bad after Saddam went all spider-holey on us, we Europeans are paranoid that our precious oil coupons -- er, supplies -- national supplies! -- are at risk. We need to toil for oil.

So that's exactly why, last weekend in Hannover, at a big rally, I said, "Nein" to sending German troops to invade Iran.

//chirp chirp//

That's right. By this bold statement -- a heartening message to our Iranian friends in these troubled times -- I am signalling that, once again, Europe is the nation of cooperation and peace. I'm also reminding you that I was behind before the last election -- and my opposition to overthrowing Saddam got me re-elected. So, you see, I'm somthing of an old fox, politically.

Besides, you don't think my motorcade is full of efficient hybrid-fuel Opels, do you?


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