28 June 2006

Hawai'i News

Your friendly local Hawai'ian god is late on some Hawai'i news and commentary. There is no excuse for tardiness in my highly structured, ritualized Hawai'ian society. That's why I just beat myself on top of my head with a shark-tooth club. Here goes.

ITEM: This whole thing about "certified" Kona coffee is just silly. Especially the bit about ensuring that "the coffee tastes the way Kona coffee is supposed to taste." How can you ensure opinion? How can you mandate taste? How do you quantify "supposed?" That's so ridiculous and immature, but those are the ways a lot of business and government interests are. Only my interests are above such childishness.

ITEM: The domestic terrorist group Greenpeace chopped down papaya trees over on the Big Island, according to Hawai'i Reporter. Local Hawai'ian god has a special fondness for trees and this silly little Stalinist agit-prop outfit has righteously irked same for years. You always hear about Greenpeace donations, and new members, but you never hear about terrorists members who leave. How many score people still subscribe to this college-age rebellionist mentality anymore, anyway? I can tell you this too: any Greenpeace terrorist on my islands who claims to be "called" by Native Hawai'ians is full of ka-ka (that's a Hawai'ian word for you-know-what, by the way, and I hope every little hair-knot, brand-new slippah wearing, muu-muu buying earth-mother fake-dreadlock haole freak who flies here ernestly repeats it in their basic Hawai'ian language immersion class. Here are a few language examples to help out:
"Greenpeace is ka-ka." -- Translation: Greenpeace is a very legitimate organization trying to help save children and all living beings.
"Ka-ka to papaya." -- Translation: Someone told me these Republican trees are harmful to people and little children. So I will cut them down and save the world.
"My job is ka-ka." -- Translation: I just flew over here on a whim since I'm a Gen Why loser without a clue. So I got a job in a Waikiki restaurant bussing tables but it's OK because on my day off I can go chop down some of this jade-green greenery I see up the Ko'olau, which is ALL GM, or so I've been told in my "indoctrination sessions" at the "Farm."
"Ka-ka to papa." -- Translation: Local anti-papaya slang for, "Cut them down before their fruit cuts us down in the prime of our productive, well-educated, rational lives."
"My career is ka-ka." -- Translation: I can't afford a car, a house, new slippers or a decent meal, and I'm too radical to get an education/degree, deodorant, a new Che head-rag, a politically-conformist "surf-board," a car, a bus pass, a bike, a consumerist rice cooker, or a grain of an original idea, so I'll just blame my stupidity and personal failtures this awful Hawai'ian society and compensate for myself by going to chop down some perfectly healthy papaya trees."

ITEM: Who can decode this message?
01305 60510 12079 04606 50100 93000 08203 90130 94069 01207 81080 17028 01706 90220 73038 01401 70150 15073 00402 00680 12013 12510 00540 04091 01401 30150 86022 09608 10660 02082 05507 00020 00000 02208 30290 08022 01200 40710 13065 02709 40190 29014 02200 80020 11083 07300 30260 19000 00700 00000
13565 11279 46651 93823 91394 69127 81817 28176 92273 38141 71515 73426 81213 12515 44911 41315 86229 68166 28255 72228 32982 21247 11365 27941 92914 22821 18373 326197
Sorry. No prize for this. But you get one day off from working in my GM-modified taro patches.

ITEM: The Dougout notes another example of anti-taro culture. I'm telling you, I look every day at my taro patches, and the disease is just killing me. Subordinates tell me that some shops in Hono have reduced local sales, in order to keep the lucrative Mainland and -Nesia shipments going. This is just sick. We gotta have GM-taro, people. I order this. Studied species variance in college. Mandatory in food crops.

ITEM: One poorly written, poorly politicked Akaka Bill suffered a deserved defeat in the Senate. Where Sen. Akaka failed was in his strategic planning. No one would have said no to equal recognition for Native Hawai'ians alongside Native Americans and Native Alaskans (though none are actually "native" to the lands they claim. In fact, the only natives are in Africa). The problem was growing awareness of such ridiculous organizations as OHA and the perception (whether true or false) of the relative prosperity of Native Hawai'ians compared to their poor "brethren" on the rez's on the Mainland. On the Mainland, Akaka Bill was seen as two things: 1) a money grab and, 2) the first step in Balkanizing the USA. In that order of priority. Sen. Akaka has to re-draft his silly bill, after considering much-more difficult and wide-ranging notions such as the unity of the Union, the facts of the 1890s, and the notion of who really "grew here." I don't give my subordinate Akaka much chance of success.

ITEM: RONW at Hotel Waikiki ponders the vagaries of judging the best hamburger in Hono. No worries, Ron: the best burger is on my grill. It's probably on your grill, too. No Honolulu Pravdatiser or Red Star Bulletin writer knows better!


Anonymous RONW said...

$5 for a best burger?? You coulda shoulda woulda bought NY steak at the grocery store.


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